Monday, December 27, 2010

And now for something completely different...

I didn't really create this blog to share my personal thoughts or experiences with the world.  I have friends, facebook, family, etc.  I really did want to just examine song lyrics that I thought I unique perspectives on.  But today, I've decided to venture into the world of personal growth.  If you're into that, enjoy.  If not, what follows might be good for a laugh. :)

I had a realization this morning.  I guess I've had this several times before - yes, the same realization - but for some reason, it makes more sense today.  Seems truer.  It's very much about me, but maybe some of you will be able to relate.  We're all different, going through our own shit in our own way, but I firmly believe we can learn from each other and have similarities if we are willing to look for them.

So what was my realization?

I want to be single.

I know that I've had that thought numerous times over the past 4 years (since I was forced to become single) - and even a few times before that - but like I mentioned, it makes more sense today.  One of the things that made it hard to believe before was the conflicting emotions I felt.  I'm generally a very happy person.  Optimistic, joyful, thankful, at peace.  But I have my days where I'm worried, anxious, scared, lonely, bored, and depressed.  In the past when I've had the "I want to be single" feeling, it didn't seemed possible or authentic because of the lonely feeling.  How could I be lonely and yet not want someone?

But that's exactly what my reality is, and I'm finally beginning to understand that it's not only's ok.  I'm very much a "people person".  I love people.  I look forward to having someone special in my life again...someone who loves and cares about me and who lets me love and care about them.  But now is not the time.  I'm confortable with who I am...maybe for the first time in my life.  I like me.  When my wife left me 4 years ago, I was a beaten down shell of a man.  But I have grown to love and accept myself for who I am thanks to numerous things: God's mercy, the love of family and friends, a significant amount of therapy, and quite a few mistakes I've allowed myself to make.  It was not an easy time 4 years ago - and truthfully it's not all that easy now either - but it is and was worth it.  I'm happy.

I don't think being happy and at peace with my current situation denies the fact that I have goals that I'm working toward acheiving.  I want to one day find that special person.  But that is like Step 9 in my 12 Steps to Perfect Life.  I'm on Step 2.  I'll get there one day...but the awareness that I'm doing ok, and that it's ok to not be on Step 9 yet is very freeing.  It's like a high school football player who aspires to one day play in the pros.  He doesn't sulk around all day because he isn't in the pros yet.  It's not his time.  He has a lot of work to do to acheive that goal and several steps in front of him.  That's how life works.  In the video game generation, we sometimes think that once we figure out how to play the game and what the tricks are, the game should conquered.  But life is not a video game.  Even when things feel like a do-over or restart, they aren't.  I'll never be 30 again and able to make better choices.  Or 20 either.  I get to learn from my mistakes and at 43 make better decisions.  And I am.  Accepting myself the way I am is something I never did before and that led me to look for acceptance from others....which led to choosing some women who were not right for me.

In any case, it's really nice to realize that where I am is actually where I want to be, even though it doesn't always feel like it.

If you just read this for kicks, hope you enjoyed it. :)

If you read this to support me, thanks. :)

If you read this hoping to get something out of it, I hope you did. :)


Friday, October 1, 2010

Song Meanings - Baby, One More Time (Britney Spears)

In my first blog entry, I explained that I was going to use this blog to discuss what I think are the meanings of various song lyrics.  Just because.

In that entry I discussed what I *thought* "If You Could Only See" by Tonic meant.

Next up: "Baby, One More Time" by Britney Spears

This is obviously a classic teen pop anthem.  And even though I was never a Britney "fan", it was a catchy song and I really liked it.  But one of the main reasons I liked it was the darker meaning I heard in the lyrics.

On the surface, it appears to be about a girl who has let her boyfriend go, and now regrets it and wants him back.  Case closed.  But that never made sense to me.  And since it had catchy musical hooks, I kept listening and eventually I heard a few lines that stood out to me and helped me see the true story:

"When I'm not with you I lose my mind.  Give me a sign: Hit me baby one more time."

"I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now."

Here's what I hear: A girl breaks up with her *abusive* boyfriend.  She's finally had enough.  But as time passes, she gets lonely and starts wondering why she did it.  Was it really that bad?  "When I'm not with you I lose my mind."  So she is asking him to LITERALLY hit her one more time to remind her of the crap he put her through so she could be strong enough to stay away.  Whereas, HE used to be the one killing her, "I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now."  She wants her ex to end her suffering by reminding her what a douche he is.

But that's just how I hear it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Song Meanings - If You Could Only See (Tonic)


The beauty of the Internet is everyone gets an opinion.  Of course the danger of the Internet is the same thing.  But I'm going to use this power to discuss songs and what they mean to me.  What the lyrics mean, and how they affect me...because music is very important to me, has been very theraputic at times in my life, and because I like talking about it.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to explain what the ARTIST(S) meant or intended the songs meaning to be.  This is just how I interpret the lyrics.  So this is all going to be filtered through my middle-aged-screwed-up-man filter.  You've been warned.

First up: "If You Could Only See" by Tonic

This is a wonderful song that starts off soft and tender, then gets harder and aggressive, and then alternates back and forth throughout the remainder of the song.  I think my first impression was that it was about a man explaining his love for a woman to people who don't get it.  Case closed, right?  I don't think so.

The more I've listened to it - and frankly the more shit I've been through - I now hear a conflicted man singing.  The soft tender parts are him talking to his friends/family and "rationalizing" that even though this looks like an unhealthy relationship, it's really wonderful:

"If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do.
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me."

But then when the song gets rougher, I think we get to hear the crap his significant other puts him through.  We hear him defend her to his support system, then experience the pain he's in:

"Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size.
Sayin' you love, but you don't.
You give your love, but you won't."

I think it's summed up best in this line..late in the song:

"And you got to take a little dirt to keep what you love.  That's what you gotta do."

This guy is being unappreciated, taken advantage of, hurt, and yet he stays with her because...if you could only see how sweet she is.  Sometimes.