Monday, December 27, 2010

And now for something completely different...

I didn't really create this blog to share my personal thoughts or experiences with the world.  I have friends, facebook, family, etc.  I really did want to just examine song lyrics that I thought I unique perspectives on.  But today, I've decided to venture into the world of personal growth.  If you're into that, enjoy.  If not, what follows might be good for a laugh. :)

I had a realization this morning.  I guess I've had this several times before - yes, the same realization - but for some reason, it makes more sense today.  Seems truer.  It's very much about me, but maybe some of you will be able to relate.  We're all different, going through our own shit in our own way, but I firmly believe we can learn from each other and have similarities if we are willing to look for them.

So what was my realization?

I want to be single.

I know that I've had that thought numerous times over the past 4 years (since I was forced to become single) - and even a few times before that - but like I mentioned, it makes more sense today.  One of the things that made it hard to believe before was the conflicting emotions I felt.  I'm generally a very happy person.  Optimistic, joyful, thankful, at peace.  But I have my days where I'm worried, anxious, scared, lonely, bored, and depressed.  In the past when I've had the "I want to be single" feeling, it didn't seemed possible or authentic because of the lonely feeling.  How could I be lonely and yet not want someone?

But that's exactly what my reality is, and I'm finally beginning to understand that it's not only possible...it's ok.  I'm very much a "people person".  I love people.  I look forward to having someone special in my life again...someone who loves and cares about me and who lets me love and care about them.  But now is not the time.  I'm confortable with who I am...maybe for the first time in my life.  I like me.  When my wife left me 4 years ago, I was a beaten down shell of a man.  But I have grown to love and accept myself for who I am thanks to numerous things: God's mercy, the love of family and friends, a significant amount of therapy, and quite a few mistakes I've allowed myself to make.  It was not an easy time 4 years ago - and truthfully it's not all that easy now either - but it is and was worth it.  I'm happy.

I don't think being happy and at peace with my current situation denies the fact that I have goals that I'm working toward acheiving.  I want to one day find that special person.  But that is like Step 9 in my 12 Steps to Perfect Life.  I'm on Step 2.  I'll get there one day...but the awareness that I'm doing ok, and that it's ok to not be on Step 9 yet is very freeing.  It's like a high school football player who aspires to one day play in the pros.  He doesn't sulk around all day because he isn't in the pros yet.  It's not his time.  He has a lot of work to do to acheive that goal and several steps in front of him.  That's how life works.  In the video game generation, we sometimes think that once we figure out how to play the game and what the tricks are, the game should conquered.  But life is not a video game.  Even when things feel like a do-over or restart, they aren't.  I'll never be 30 again and able to make better choices.  Or 20 either.  I get to learn from my mistakes and at 43 make better decisions.  And I am.  Accepting myself the way I am is something I never did before and that led me to look for acceptance from others....which led to choosing some women who were not right for me.

In any case, it's really nice to realize that where I am is actually where I want to be, even though it doesn't always feel like it.

If you just read this for kicks, hope you enjoyed it. :)

If you read this to support me, thanks. :)

If you read this hoping to get something out of it, I hope you did. :)

Peace.

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