Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I would rather be interesting than perfect.  If you happen to fail to be interesting one day, people understand.  "He'll be interesting tomorrow."  But if you fail to be perfect, it's all over.

I'm still learning about....well damn, just about everything.  In particular, sharing all my stupid thoughts/experiences/feelings/etc with a bunch of people I don't know....i.e. blogging.  I stumbled across another nice one today (and even became a "follower"...never was much of a leader) and she had a post listing a bunch of things.  So I'm stealing the idea.  Hope she doesn't mind.

Things I am

Things I am not

Things I love
...my kids
...my family
...my friends
...learning about myself

Things I do not love
...learning bad things about myself
...going to the dentist
...rude people
...people who seem to WANT to be victims

Things I like to eat
...Popeye's fried chicken
...salad w/ ranch dressing
...honey roasted peanuts

Things I do not like to eat
...pecan pie
...sweet potatoes (whoever named those was evil)

Things I have
...amazing boys
...a good sense of humor...even if it's a bit warped
...a LOT of baseball cards
...a beat up pickup truck I've grown to love
...coffee running through my veins instead of blood.  At least I suspect that's true.

Things I still want
...my own place
...someone special
...a group of very close friends

Things I want to do tomorrow
...start putting together an outline for History of Calculus
...watch America's Got Talents results
...listen to music
...NOT eat frozen pizza
...go for a run

Things I want to do in a year
...move out
...publish another paper
...find peace with who I am and where I am in life
...make some new friends
...run another 10k

Things I wished for and received
...a good job
...great sons
...an end to misery

Things I keep wishing for
...a new car

I'd love to hear some of yours!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Joy of Blogging

I was just discovering a new blog.  I say that like I read or follow a lot of blogs.  I don't.  In fact...um...ZERO.  But a friend of mine keeps posting on Facebook how funny/awesome this particular blog is, so I checked it out.  Holy crap.  I haven't laughed so much - or so HARD - since I discovered Fire Joe Morgan years ago (RIP).  The woman who writes this blog (http://www.thebloggess.com/) is HYSTERICAL!  So I was reading, and reading, and reading, and suddenly I thought "I wish I had a blog."  Then a few minutes later - not sure why it took a few minutes, but that's another issue - I remembered I DID have a blog.

So here I am.  I think I might start using this blog to express myself...not because I'm good at that, have a lot of important things to say, or want to be like "The Bloggess".  But as I was walking through Wal-Mart thinking of what I might share if only I had a blog (during those few minutes), I had a couple of epiphanies about blogs.  (OT: Epiphanies are the shit.  You should have one or a few if you want a good time.)

Epiphany A: One of the coolest things about blogs is the underlying assumption that we all have a right to share whatever we want.  What I have to say is special and important, simply because I want to say it.  We, humans, are to be valued.  Not every blog/opinion is very interesting to every person, but they all have value. (Except for blogs about how great the NY Yankees are.  Get real.)

Epiphany B: There are lots of things in the world that make me laugh.  Said another more complimentary way: there are lots of things in the world that bring me joy.  I should share them.

Epiphany C: You can't call three epiphanies a "couple".  But I'm a rule-breaker.

So I decided to fire this blog back up and dump all the shit in my head.  It doesn't sound quite as appealing when I put it that way, but it'll be awesome, I promise.

Of course, my first danger is (1) trying to be too much like The Bloggess and (2) comparing myself to her brilliance.  Damn, that's two dangers...I really need to work on words about numbers.  The first danger shouldn't be too hard to avoid because she is a fairly young, happily married funny woman.  I am....not.  Any of that.  The second danger is a lot more likely, but that brings me back to Epiphany A: I have my own voice, and even if it sounds like a woman, it doesn't sound that that PARTICULAR woman.....at least I don't think it does.  (Wouldn't that me amazing if it did?)

So what on earth will I write about?  Anything.  Everything.  Things I love, things I hate.  I'll praise good people, vent and rant about annoying ones (you know who you are), and just do my therapy out in public.  I already use Facebook for some of that, but it's hard to keep my insanity to 140 characters.  I also journal from time to time (no, it's NOT a diary! And I can prove it...no Hello Kitty cover.)  But this will be more fun and the probability of public embarrassment is significantly higher.  Hmmm, what if the person I rant about happens to stumble across my blog and finds my bitch session about them?  Not sure how I'll handle that.  Maybe pseudonyms will become my friends.

I'll be back soon.  In the meantime, check out http://www.thebloggess.com/ if you like to laugh and aren't afraid to wet yourself.

PS My spell-checker has never heard of the plural of epiphany.  Are you only supposed to have them one at a time?

PPS I realize of course that this is very self-indulgent of me, but that's the best kind of indulgence, so it's cool.

PPPS There's nothing I'd like more than a follower.  It feels sort of weird talking to everyone and no one at the same time.

Monday, December 27, 2010

And now for something completely different...

I didn't really create this blog to share my personal thoughts or experiences with the world.  I have friends, facebook, family, etc.  I really did want to just examine song lyrics that I thought I unique perspectives on.  But today, I've decided to venture into the world of personal growth.  If you're into that, enjoy.  If not, what follows might be good for a laugh. :)

I had a realization this morning.  I guess I've had this several times before - yes, the same realization - but for some reason, it makes more sense today.  Seems truer.  It's very much about me, but maybe some of you will be able to relate.  We're all different, going through our own shit in our own way, but I firmly believe we can learn from each other and have similarities if we are willing to look for them.

So what was my realization?

I want to be single.

I know that I've had that thought numerous times over the past 4 years (since I was forced to become single) - and even a few times before that - but like I mentioned, it makes more sense today.  One of the things that made it hard to believe before was the conflicting emotions I felt.  I'm generally a very happy person.  Optimistic, joyful, thankful, at peace.  But I have my days where I'm worried, anxious, scared, lonely, bored, and depressed.  In the past when I've had the "I want to be single" feeling, it didn't seemed possible or authentic because of the lonely feeling.  How could I be lonely and yet not want someone?

But that's exactly what my reality is, and I'm finally beginning to understand that it's not only possible...it's ok.  I'm very much a "people person".  I love people.  I look forward to having someone special in my life again...someone who loves and cares about me and who lets me love and care about them.  But now is not the time.  I'm confortable with who I am...maybe for the first time in my life.  I like me.  When my wife left me 4 years ago, I was a beaten down shell of a man.  But I have grown to love and accept myself for who I am thanks to numerous things: God's mercy, the love of family and friends, a significant amount of therapy, and quite a few mistakes I've allowed myself to make.  It was not an easy time 4 years ago - and truthfully it's not all that easy now either - but it is and was worth it.  I'm happy.

I don't think being happy and at peace with my current situation denies the fact that I have goals that I'm working toward acheiving.  I want to one day find that special person.  But that is like Step 9 in my 12 Steps to Perfect Life.  I'm on Step 2.  I'll get there one day...but the awareness that I'm doing ok, and that it's ok to not be on Step 9 yet is very freeing.  It's like a high school football player who aspires to one day play in the pros.  He doesn't sulk around all day because he isn't in the pros yet.  It's not his time.  He has a lot of work to do to acheive that goal and several steps in front of him.  That's how life works.  In the video game generation, we sometimes think that once we figure out how to play the game and what the tricks are, the game should conquered.  But life is not a video game.  Even when things feel like a do-over or restart, they aren't.  I'll never be 30 again and able to make better choices.  Or 20 either.  I get to learn from my mistakes and at 43 make better decisions.  And I am.  Accepting myself the way I am is something I never did before and that led me to look for acceptance from others....which led to choosing some women who were not right for me.

In any case, it's really nice to realize that where I am is actually where I want to be, even though it doesn't always feel like it.

If you just read this for kicks, hope you enjoyed it. :)

If you read this to support me, thanks. :)

If you read this hoping to get something out of it, I hope you did. :)


Friday, October 1, 2010

Song Meanings - Baby, One More Time (Britney Spears)

In my first blog entry, I explained that I was going to use this blog to discuss what I think are the meanings of various song lyrics.  Just because.

In that entry I discussed what I *thought* "If You Could Only See" by Tonic meant.

Next up: "Baby, One More Time" by Britney Spears


This is obviously a classic teen pop anthem.  And even though I was never a Britney "fan", it was a catchy song and I really liked it.  But one of the main reasons I liked it was the darker meaning I heard in the lyrics.

On the surface, it appears to be about a girl who has let her boyfriend go, and now regrets it and wants him back.  Case closed.  But that never made sense to me.  And since it had catchy musical hooks, I kept listening and eventually I heard a few lines that stood out to me and helped me see the true story:

"When I'm not with you I lose my mind.  Give me a sign: Hit me baby one more time."

"I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now."

Here's what I hear: A girl breaks up with her *abusive* boyfriend.  She's finally had enough.  But as time passes, she gets lonely and starts wondering why she did it.  Was it really that bad?  "When I'm not with you I lose my mind."  So she is asking him to LITERALLY hit her one more time to remind her of the crap he put her through so she could be strong enough to stay away.  Whereas, HE used to be the one killing her, "I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now."  She wants her ex to end her suffering by reminding her what a douche he is.

But that's just how I hear it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Song Meanings - If You Could Only See (Tonic)


The beauty of the Internet is everyone gets an opinion.  Of course the danger of the Internet is the same thing.  But I'm going to use this power to discuss songs and what they mean to me.  What the lyrics mean, and how they affect me...because music is very important to me, has been very theraputic at times in my life, and because I like talking about it.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to explain what the ARTIST(S) meant or intended the songs meaning to be.  This is just how I interpret the lyrics.  So this is all going to be filtered through my middle-aged-screwed-up-man filter.  You've been warned.

First up: "If You Could Only See" by Tonic


This is a wonderful song that starts off soft and tender, then gets harder and aggressive, and then alternates back and forth throughout the remainder of the song.  I think my first impression was that it was about a man explaining his love for a woman to people who don't get it.  Case closed, right?  I don't think so.

The more I've listened to it - and frankly the more shit I've been through - I now hear a conflicted man singing.  The soft tender parts are him talking to his friends/family and "rationalizing" that even though this looks like an unhealthy relationship, it's really wonderful:

"If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do.
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me."

But then when the song gets rougher, I think we get to hear the crap his significant other puts him through.  We hear him defend her to his support system, then experience the pain he's in:

"Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size.
Sayin' you love, but you don't.
You give your love, but you won't."

I think it's summed up best in this line..late in the song:

"And you got to take a little dirt to keep what you love.  That's what you gotta do."

This guy is being unappreciated, taken advantage of, hurt, and yet he stays with her because...if you could only see how sweet she is.  Sometimes.